I am in a constant state of discontent.
I JUST WANT TO SING. Seeing and hearing people perform literally breaks my heart, I am green as fuck with envy.
Like, fuck why am I wasting time around people I don’t care for and in classrooms, clinging to random bits of happiness. I snatch joy where I can but shit, I am sick of this. I work and feel myself slowly becoming the parts of my parents I never wanted to be.
However, I am pleased slightly with my new found sense of urgency, moving quickly enough and achieving more shit in my day is a plus.
I should be asleep right now, daylight saving is tonight and I’m gonna a sleepy fucking mess tomorrow. I want to quit my job so badly. I wonder if the debt would be worth it, to go and attend a university geared towards the arts but with enough diversity that my African- American studies would be less inclined towards utter bullshit.
Today, I was pissed as fuck because I took my ass to Sally’s Beauty Supply ( WHY ?!) , but the fucking sales lady after being extremely unhelpful in helping me find hair bands, took me to where the sleep caps where and I said I was looking for the biggest one they had and this middle-age, porridge faced bitch ran her fingers through and yanked on my Senegalese twists. FIRST, my scalp fucking hurts, I haven’t even had these for a full 24 hours and how dare you invade my personal space and tug or touch my person. I left there so fucking fast.
And I was already mad because I stopped into my old job and I saw they were still hiring. My problem with them is the lack of professionalism, yet I loved my job. So when I was dubbed “the best with customers”, I naturally was expecting to be kept after my seasonal position. But that’s a story for another day. (Side Note: I was told that I was welcome to pick up a few shifts as needed, and I have a part -time job at a move theater).
My old hiring manager was so unaccommodating when I questioned her on whether it was worth reapplying. I don’t want to work for them but my job was the shit. At first when they didn’t keep me I let out the heartiest cackle , because I knew they were about to lose 3 associates and 1 manager. There staff has since dropped from 42 people to 21! I feel blessed to have my new job and the pay increase was welcomed. The problem is that I don’t want to be on my feet for 8 sometimes 10 hours with little promise of a break. And a boss and some staff members that make me uncomfortable. It’s crazy because as I go through my day I’m not as miserable but as I let it marinate I see how overall my life is lacking in basically every department. So I think if I don’t get one of two of the jobs I’m applying for at school that I will shop around for a more adult job. One that guarantees breaks and lets me sit.
In other news , if I don’t get my health together it looks like I might have arthritis. I am 18 years old and I have dreams and a shit ton of traveling and life experience I need to acquire, so it looks like being vegan will have to stay and the gym will have to become a part of my daily. Pray for me, lord.
Shout out to Crissle for inspiring me to do this, hopefully i can actually commit. I need the practice if I want any chance of bettering myself.
Officially ditching facebook and twitter. Along with gossip blogs, from now on it’s music, school, some tumblr, cooking, gym, and reading.
I’ve stopped reading, like I actually can’t stay focused on text if it’s not on a screen. no mas.
I am now fully and consciously committed to setting and reaching goals.
Oh, and apparently a couple of people close to me suspect that I might be gay.