A.

trying not to judge myself, one journal entry at a time.

SORRY

I hate being lied to. It seems like everyone is trying it out this week. I lowkey confronted this girl who I’ve been getting closer to today about how I believe she faked sick to go home and left me stuck at work later than I was supposed to be and alone. I knew she was lying from the jump but her behavior is just making it more obvious. Why are you randomly bringing up explanations in a different situation 2 days later. AND harping on it and forcing me to accept a gift of gratitude I said I don’t want. 

And my dramatic ass mama. Today she yelled up to me about checking out my cousins facebook video. I had no intentions and never agreed to go watch some dumb ass video on my cousins facebook. I knew I shouldv’e lied when she asked me if I did but I was honest and said I never planned to, Let me tell you this woman went off like I stole her man. Talking bout some it’s a two way street. I never forced you to watch something you didn’t want to, you sit down and ask to see what I’m looking at and you always wanna be on Vine. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you’re making a huge sacrifice for me. I DON’T GIVE  A SHIT. I don’t need you to like anything I like on the internet. 

So I finally get her to let it go and she comes over after a half hour asking to watch what I’m watching because she can hear it. Before it even goddamn over she gon interrupt talking bout will you watch the video now? Don’t try to manipulate me into watching it because you fucking asked to watch one of mine. I’m not interested and I especially don’t want to stop my video to watch yours out of obligation. She gon get mad and say that she’ll watch one of mine again, and I can stop escalating. I don’t give a rats ass you barely know how to find videos anyway. My no isn’t a rejection of you personally, grow up. 

try that shit if you want to

Let me start this by saying if you’re white and you try to educate me on the status of racism, I WILL NOT LISTEN. 

If you refuse to aknowledge discrimination, racism, sexism, patriarchy, ageism, and the intolerance that effects others then I have no time for you or your opinion. I don’t have to give a fuck about your feelings. I’m honestly so tired of treading lightly worrying about how i might come off to people.

Don’t touch my hair, my face, or me in any way. I don’t welcome your comments or your back handed compliments.

People, that want to be around me atleast, need to fully come to terms with the fact that not everyone cares for their opinions. Your point of view means shit to a minimum of one person, your goddamn self. Don’t get smart with me when I don’t make an effort to pretend like what you said was relevant. This is shit i’m trying to integrate religiously into my life and daily mental processing. I’ve gone from one extreme to another. I’m sick of people calling me sassy or stereotyping everything I do. Believe it or not but POC aren’t going to fit into a narrow mindset. 

Phew, okay. Shameless was fucking great, I’m am gonna be so sad when this season ends.

I want to save up and treat myself to a spa day, but my school is offering a trip to Paris for an amazing price, considering that it accounts for travel and some food etc.

I applied for four more jobs, I wish i could go to school permanently or just get paid to sing and speak  professionally.  

alone

I crave alone time but, my momma needs to bring her ass home. I haven’t seen her in over a day. 

You ever feel yourself maybe being obnoxious but you get nervous and then in turn become more obnoxious to seem confident or something? That’s me.

Great.  Just got hiccups as I currently sit down to eat. Posting early tonight to ensure that I don’t miss Shameless. 

I love getting on my momma’s Facebook , my country ass family always posts the most unintentional hilarity. One of my cousin’s friends has on a denim hoodie and wrap in her profile picture. 

Work was RIDICULOUS. I wanted to just walk out that door today. Free food at the end with coworkers was cute though.

too young for this shit

I am in a constant state of discontent.

I JUST WANT TO SING. Seeing and hearing people perform literally breaks my heart, I am green as fuck with envy.

Like, fuck why am I wasting time around people I don’t care for and in classrooms, clinging to random bits of happiness. I snatch joy where I can but shit, I am sick of this. I work and feel myself slowly becoming the parts of my parents I never wanted to be.

However, I am pleased slightly with my new found sense of urgency, moving quickly enough and achieving more shit in my day is a plus.

I should be asleep right now, daylight saving is tonight and I’m gonna a sleepy fucking mess tomorrow. I want to quit my job so badly. I wonder if the debt would be worth it, to go and attend a university geared towards the arts but with enough diversity that my African- American studies would be less inclined towards utter bullshit.

Today, I was pissed as fuck because I took my ass to Sally’s Beauty Supply ( WHY ?!) , but the fucking sales lady after being extremely unhelpful in helping me find hair bands, took me to where the sleep caps where and I said I was looking for the biggest one they had and this middle-age, porridge faced bitch ran her fingers through and yanked on my Senegalese twists. FIRST, my scalp fucking hurts, I haven’t even had these for a full 24 hours and how dare you invade my personal space and tug or touch my person. I left there so fucking fast.

And I was already mad because I stopped into my old job and I saw they were still hiring. My problem with them is the lack of professionalism, yet I loved my job. So when I was dubbed “the best with customers”, I naturally was expecting to be kept after my seasonal position. But that’s a story for another day. (Side Note:  I was told that I was welcome to pick up a few shifts as needed, and I have a part -time job at a move theater).

My old hiring manager was so unaccommodating when I questioned her on whether it was worth reapplying. I don’t want to work for them but my job was the shit. At first when they didn’t keep me I let out the heartiest cackle , because I knew they were about to lose 3 associates and 1 manager. There staff has since dropped from 42 people to 21! I feel blessed to have my new job and the pay increase was welcomed. The problem is that I don’t want to be on my feet for 8 sometimes 10 hours with little promise of a break. And a boss and some staff members that make me uncomfortable. It’s crazy because as I go through my day I’m not as miserable but as I let it marinate I see how overall my life is lacking in basically every department. So I think if I don’t get one of two of the jobs I’m applying for at school that I will shop around for a more adult job. One that guarantees breaks and lets me sit. 

In other news , if I don’t get my health together it looks like I might have arthritis. I am 18 years old and I have dreams and a shit ton of traveling and life experience I need to acquire, so it looks like being vegan will have to stay and the gym will have to become a part of my daily. Pray for me, lord. 

Shout out to Crissle for inspiring me to do this, hopefully i can actually commit. I need the practice if I want any chance of bettering myself.

Officially ditching facebook and twitter. Along with gossip blogs, from now on it’s music, school, some tumblr, cooking, gym, and reading.

I’ve stopped reading, like I actually can’t stay focused on text if it’s not on a screen. no mas. 

I am now fully and consciously committed to setting and reaching goals.

Oh, and apparently a couple of people close to me suspect that I might be gay.